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US-Iraq War
The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows Recapitulating on the Iraq War by Dave Tomar (week of 4/18/04) This week, President Bush held a press conference to take responsibility for his administration’s actions, explaining during a nationally televised Tuesday night broadcast that "we will accept no responsibility for our actions. All of our policies are right by decree of the Lord. We haven’t made any mistakes. Oh. Okay. The time we took Dick Cheney to an all you can eat Chinese smorgasbord was a mistake. We had to bring in a National Parks Department fire-fighting crew just to hose him down afterwards. Beyond that, though, we are perfect, infallible and incapable of culpability. That must mean that it’s America’s fault. Not ours. Maybe if the majority of you voted for us, we would have done a better job protecting you. I guess that’s what you snotty high-rise northerners get." The President stood before a room of journalists and somberly discussed various national issues, all the while exuding an easy charm not unlike an Alabaman roadside watermelon merchant, winning sales to the sophisticates of the Montgomery metropolitan area by virtue of the novelty in receiving lessons on botanical excellence from a genuine, deep-fried, rural southern half-bred retard. He spoke in what have become the poetically constant terms of his administration. Before opening up to questions, he delivered a statement to Americans, asserting that, "terrorism bad. Murder not good. Freedom yeah. Evil hate tyranny and other stuff, Saddam Hussein . . .(dramatic pause) September the 11th. . . . God love Christian happy, America. Democracy explosion liberty baseball. " Though this is a sentiment that has resonated with portions of the public very well since the 9/11 attacks, he offers it now under a great deal of scrutiny for the numerous cracks that are beginning to appear in his administration’s façade. April, for example, was the bloodiest month for U.S. and coalition forces since the United States rolled to an easy and stable victory in a war which ended nearly a year ago, according to the Bush administration. In spite of that, President Bush assessed the situation in Iraq as one of progress, explaining that "at this time last year, we were very concerned about the possibility of inciting a civil war between Shiites and Sunnis in Iraq. We are no longer concerned about the possibility since it’s already happening. I was tired of waiting. So that’s progress. "Also, now when Americans are killed in friendly fire incidents, it’s not as big a deal since so many more Americans are being killed by the violent Iraqi uprising being led by some Muslim who’s stupid name I can’t remember. It was probably Muhammad al abez zeezil Wukarafuck or something. Who cares? The point is, consider him dead. Now that we’ve identified a catalyst," the president said, referring to the militant spiritual leader of the uprising, Muqtada al Sadr, "we know who to kill to end violence in Iraq. Before we thought it was Hussein. Now that he’s out of the way, it’s clear that it’s this guy. Once we take care of him, it’ll be smooth sailing. Trust me." He also reaffirmed the administration’s intention to abide strictly by the June 30th deadline for the transference of power from American occupiers to an Iraqi governing council which has been hand-picked by the United States. Explained Bush, "it’s sort of like American democracy in the respect that people have a right to complain all they want about the various ways in which we’re screwing them out of representation. It’s also like American democracy in the respect that people within my administration have the power to determine what popular media can and can’t say. So here’s the plan. As the date for transference of power approaches, it’s pretty likely that a number of people on this governing council will be shot by angry extremists. Naturally, this is anticipated because the members of this council are so grossly unpopular amongst Iraqis. Those which survive to see June 30th will be regarded as the least-unpopular, and therefore most qualified, to lead Iraq to a new and brighter future. So essentially, the Iraqis are electing their leaders by not shooting them just like in America . . . as is my general understanding of our electoral college, federal balloting and what have you." After speaking, the President opened the floor to questions from reporters. It is unusual for this president to take unscreened questioning due to the fact that he is so dangerously unqualified to address said questions without endangering the strength of his presidency as well as the security and credibility of all Americans. The president deftly avoided drawing any speculation about his credibility by either pretending to be drunk or actually being drunk. "That way," explained one administration official who demanded anonymity, "he can say to people the next morning, ‘really, I sounded like an idiot, refused to directly address questions and repeated the same silly, meaningless shit over and over again? Wow. I must have been really wasted’" Questions from reporters all seemed to hover around the same foci of counter-terrorism failures pre-9/11, continued carnage in Iraq and a handful of unfulfilled claims by the administration regarding both. One such question drew an analogy between the war in Iraq and the Vietnam War. The President quickly rejected this comparison, indicating that "that war went on for ten years. As you are well aware, this one has been over since last May. I would defend myself further, but as you also know, I spent those years in a haze of drug and alcohol abuse while shirking my duties in the Texas Air National Guard. So I think it’s pretty safe to say that I know less about Vietnam than the average community college student. In fact, that’s probably the only thing that that war has in common with this one. I couldn’t talk my way out of a paper bag on either topic." Further into the press conference, the President responded to another reporter by pledging that he would commit as many more troops as needed to complete this mission. He explained that "since the war is already over, putting more troops in won’t be a big deal. Technically, everybody that died after the war ended in May doesn’t count. It’s like a scrimmage war. That frees up my conscience to send thousands more to their ‘deaths’ in order to secure my economic interests at home and abroad." A number of journalists attempted to corner the President into issuing a statement of apology or regret for the deaths yielded on his administration’s watch, both on September 11th and at war in Iraq. On both accounts, the president was steadfast in pretending he’d been asked totally different questions than the ones presented to him. When asked whether or not he felt any personal responsibility for lapses in security and intelligence that may have contributed to September 11th, he explained that "I’ve always been a huge fan of pastries. I would have to say that carrot cake is probably my favorite. The softer and spongier, the better. Ahem. . . .also, um . . Terrorism is bad. Next question." By and large, the tone of the press conference was upbeat, in spite of the many ways in which the Bush administration is harvesting the seeds of our ultimate destruction. Two days after the conference, the Brookings Institute, a political think-tank, released an analysis of the president’s appearance, disclosing at one point that "if you replace the word ‘freedom’ with the word ‘herpes,’ at one point, the president says the following: ‘I'm pressing the Greater Middle East Reform Initiative to work to spread herpes, and we will continue on that. So long as I'm the president, I will press for herpes. I believe so strongly in the power of herpes. You know why I do? Because I've seen herpes work right here in our own country. I also have this belief, strong belief, that herpes is not this country's gift to the world. Herpes is the Almighty's gift to every man and woman in this world. And as the greatest power on the face of the earth, we have an obligation to help the spread of herpes." And remember, as always, the monkey goes where the wind blows. About the Author(s): This column is a pardoy of recent political events. See under Our Contributors to find out about the Author(s) of this article. |
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