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Law & Enforcement
U.S. Government Offers Free Cyber Tracking By Eric M Hoover Recently, the Department of Homeland Security made it possible for citizens to sign up for a computer virus tracking system that will alert them via email about new viruses striking the Internet. (See link: http://news.com.au/). The following is a parody of the news article released about the virus tracking service and is NOT to be taken seriously. Aiming to increase paranoia throughout the general public, the United States Government is now offering citizens the right to be tracked through their computers. Thanks to the Department of Homeland Security, Americans can now give up their Constitutional rights without ever having to leave their desktops. Anyone who signs up for the National Cyber Tracking system will receive emails about major sting operations on ordinary citizens who are pulled off the street in broad daylight for typing in words such as "9/11, Terrorist, Al Qaeda, Osama, nuclear arms, WMD, anthrax and Down with Bush" into a search engine. The e-mails will also include detailed instructions on how you should surrender to the authorities or take your own life after betraying the one and only country on the planet that matters. Monthly updates will also help subscribers discover new ways to taunt others who are "non-American;" such as those who do not support the war in Iraq, hence, they must be against our President. The program represents an ambitious effort by the government to develop easier ways to arrest suspected terrorists, such as a 20 year old college student in Vermont recently arrested who claimed to be doing research for a term paper on terrorism. The goal of overall improving security online has been frustrated due to Constitutional Acts and the First Amendment. "That will no longer be a problem" says General Stonewall Bombman of the U.S. Military, "Now we can track every individual who logs onto the Internet and make sure they are not involved in anti-American activities. Remember, if we turn our backs for one second and let some 19 year old college student download one free mp3...the terrorists win!" Warnings will transmit from a person’s computer directly to the nearest Police Station as well as the CIA, FBI and Homeland Security computers in Washington DC. This will alert authorities quickly, allowing them to come to your home, drag you out of your house in front of the entire neighborhood as police shout "HE DOES NOT LOVE HIS COUNTRY! HE WORKS FOR AL QAEDA!" You will then be taken to a dark room in a deserted area and hosed with boiling hot water while taunted by ferocious police dogs. "Americans today have already learned to live without privacy in their daily lives" says Dr. John Q. Public from the Patriot Institute in Liberty, Va. "This will only help them to help US capture those who try to act on their so called Constitutional Rights. We should all be prepared to give up personal rights in order to save our beloved country and destroy the Axis of Evil." About the Author(s): See under Our Contributors to find out about the Author(s) of this article. |
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