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Censorship & Media
The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows
The Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act by Dave Tomar March 14th, 2004 This week, under strong endorsement from the White House, the House of Representatives voted overwhelmingly in support of the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act. The purpose of this legislative move, which still must pass through the Senate to find approval, is to protect Americans from the terrorist threat of Janet Jackson’s tit. The new act is aimed at maintaining a standard of quality on the public airwaves so that, according to leading Congressional advocate Sen. Sam Brownback (R, KS), who hasn’t had an erection since his dog died in 1984, “We can continue to bring families programs that instill wholesome values.” He wasn’t thinking of Joe Millionaire, Temptation Island and that new show where they try to trick an attractive women into falling in love with a homosexual, was he? In some Conservative studies perhaps there is evidence that in the last 200 years, Janet Jackson’s tit has been the single most prominent cause of school shootings and not the actual availability of guns. Thank God for the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act. We’re finally putting an end to this madness. The Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act would not actually change obscenity laws, which will remain generally ambiguous, applicable to anything and guided by the hooded followers of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, who, for all we know, might be sitting member of the FCC’s regulatory board. The Act would drastically reassess the fines levied for violations of this obscenity code, however. In the past, using words such as ‘cunt’, ‘cock’ and ‘dick-hole’ or phrases such as ‘cock-gobbler’, ‘goat-fucking’ and ‘bloody-asshole-fissure’ would elicit FCC warnings or fines that could range anywhere between $11,500 and $27,500. Should the new legislation pass, the above mentioned words and phrases, as well as expressions like ‘honky-ass motherfucker’, ‘toothless cum-bag’ and ‘President Bush eats the shit out of his own mother’s corn hole’, could draw fines as large as $500,000 apiece. After three such violations, a broadcaster would also be subject to the suspension of its broadcasting license. President Bush lauded the House’s passage of the edict, calling it “the most progressive government intervention yet in dealing with the problem.”.... “of free speech”? After all, he is concerned that Janet Jackson’s tit and gays getting married are eroding the security that Americans are accustomed to. This is a time when America must look within its own borders for enemies since it costs less money than conjuring enemies abroad. In addition to bringing the letter of law one step closer to biblical statute, this new act would have a host of benefits to the operation of the federal government. Among them, it could become the first effective economic policy of the Bush administration. I wonder what the President would say on TV: ‘I’ve squandered all of our money on bad investments like Iraq, cocaine and Dick Cheney. Man, that fat bastard is like a black hole for money. I give him $87 billion dollars of America’s money for Iraqi reconstruction and the next day, I see him carting around a wheelbarrow filled with fried shrimp popcorn and bacon loaded potato skins. I swear to god, he spent every dollar at TGI Fridays. He doesn’t even want to eat the stuff. He’s just going to take it home and roll around naked in it.’ The White House hopes this new act will serve to counteract a federal deficit of nearly $500 billion, also created by Cheney. Perhaps bush expects he could make half of that back just from one episode of NYPD Blue. It’s this kind of creative fundraising that will pull him out of the economic tailspin created by fags, Janet Jackson’s tit and fuel emission standards. After all, as any economist who wants to keep their jobs will acknowledge, our dangerously enormous federal deficit has nothing to do with Bush’s $1.1 trillion tax cuts for Americans making more than $200K a year. It’s because we don’t do enough to prevent swearing and indecent exposure. Who can stand by idly while Janet Jackson’s tit and Howard Stern’s potty-mouth deprive Americans of jobs? The act will come to vote before the Senate this week but major broadcasting companies are all responding affirmatively to the threat of greater fines. Companies such as Infinity Broadcasting and Clear Channel, which owns 84% of everything on the planet, have announced their willingness to comply to the tightened standards, in turn, showing a desire to please the religious Right. What’s Scott Qurapwadd, Programming Manager at Clear Channel, saying about this, I wonder. “We are already pretty comfortable with the idea of creating television and radio content that should be omitted,” perhaps? Preserving artistic merit or even access to the First Amendment of the Constitution, which is still the law of the land for those who have forgotten, has become fairly secondary to releasing television shows and music that is awful. And what is the Chairman of the FCC, Michael Powell, son of Colin Powell, thinking at this time? “This is an opportunity for us to illustrate just how entangled the White House is with what Americans are allowed to watch in their homes. I took on this position to address to festering problems in our broadcasting standards. One was the independent or non-monopolistic ownership of a broadcasting medium. We have always felt that were just too many different companies representing too many different ideas.” “Oh did I forget? Now that there are only four companies, it’ll be easier to accomplish our second goal which is telling everybody what to think. This sets the wheels in motion for my final goal which is to place shock censors in Americans’ brains that will emit sharp, painful currents every time an impure thought or independent entrepreneurial idea is conceived.” If the measure makes it through the Senate, Bush needs only to sign it into law. Constitutional protection advocates are hoping that Bush will forget how to use a pen, as he is often known to do. But those close to him indicate he has been practicing very hard for the signing of this bill. His enthusiasm over the matter seems to bolster this claim. During a press conference on Thursday, White House spokesman Scott McClellan spoke on the matter, telling reporters that “this would be a big step in the fight against terrorism”. I can only imagine they had to censor the rest of his speech before it ever went on-air: “We all know that terrorism is caused by people that don’t agree with us. People who believe in free speech clearly do not agree with us. Thus, they are terrorists. On September 11th, we lost thousands of lives. The President remembers this all too well as he looks boldly into the eyes of evil and declares that America won’t take it anymore. Bad words and naked boobs must be stopped.’ Though its passage is not a sure thing, the Bush camp remains confident that the Decency Act will go into full retroactive effect, making broadcasts of the past year such as Janet Jackson’s Superbowl Half-time show subject to the steeper fines. President Bush released a statement in advance of the Senate vote that I never got around to, but I imagine it well: “It is crucial that we pass this law at this time. Today, women are exposing one tit on television. Tomorrow, it could be two tits. I don’t even know where it goes from there.’ And that’s my vote on the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act. Remember, as always, the monkey goes where the wind blows. The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows: This is a parody piece on the Bush Administration - the quotes mirror the author’s perception of the Administration and are not actual. About the Author(s): See under Our Contributors to find out about the Author(s) of this article. |
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