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The Bush Administration
The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows
There’s no Exit Plan from Iraq by Dave Tomar Feb. 24, 2004 This week, the Bush administration is still struggling to move forward with any viable plans for stable Iraqi governance. But White House officials remain positive. White House spokesman Scott McClellan refuted assertions that the Bush administration had no credible postwar plans, insisting during a Thursday press conference that: “We have a very concrete plan. We’re gonna get the fuck out of there.” Both the Bush administration and the U.N. have agreed that Iraq is still far too unstable for democratic elections. Top Civilian Administrator in Iraq, Lt. Paul Bremer might have mused during a Friday briefing: “Who would have thought that toppling a secular military government in a Middle Eastern nation would provoke the inevitability of an electorally empowered Muslim fundamentalist theocracy? I mean, it seemed so much more likely that once we entered this sanction-crippled nation with lethal force that everybody would join hands, embrace Jesus and break into an impromptu recitation of Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On.’ Democracy could be so damn beautiful if these savages would just accept it.” In fact, that is the general perception in the White House. The Bush administration is facing a self-imposed deadline of June 30th for the determination of Iraqi self-rule. And though officials are hesitant to back away from that deadline for the exit of any major American occupying force, they are also quick to admit that elections will be impossible. Some world leaders are concerned that U.S. forces have been planning an exit strategy without devising order in Iraq. “Oh. No. That’s not true at all,” Bremer is rumored to have told a reporter on Friday. “This suitcase in my hand is filled with, um, candy. It’s candy for the Iraqi children and I have to go now and give it to them.” As to the state of disrepair that American forces are preparing to leave in Iraq, Spokesman McClellan is said to have told a close aide, “At this point, we’ll just be happy if this war results in the death of Geraldo Rivera. Iraqis, Americans and most of the world has come together on this one goal. Every bullet in his head is worth an ambassadorship in the Bush administration” . Beyond this though, McClellan secretly conceded that the U.S. might soon abandon some of its loftier goals, explaining that “we don’t know how to hold elections in our own country. It should have occurred to you then that we were lying when we said we had a legitimate vision for postwar Iraq. You people just couldn’t see the big picture because Ari Fleischer was so disarming with his shiny bald head and his ingratiating Jewish charm. Well, I may not be glamorous, intelligent, coherent or in control of the left side of my droopy, mostly dead face but I can be at least a quarter as deceptive as that guy.” Backing up this claim, he addressed the continuing violence in Iraq, assessing that “it’s no longer the kind of violence that makes us feel like we’re losing the battle over this great country. It’s the kind of violence that makes us feel assured of a quick and clean victory. I mean, the terrorist attacks on American soldiers and American trained Iraqi allies have gotten more frequent, more deadly and better organized. Based on our internal sources of intelligence, this points to a trend of inevitable democratization.” President Bush, during his weekly radio address this Saturday, agreed with this summation, suggesting that “terrorists are still attacking with such evil ferocity because they haven’t gotten word yet that we caught Saddam”. But as promised, he was the source of terrorism in that region and his capture will soon bear out that claim. “As soon as they figure out that we got the bastard, they’re bound to start liking us.” During his address, the President also dealt with concerns over the economy, which polls indicate is likely to be the top issue motivating voters in November. He took a rosy perspective on recent numbers that attribute 2.2 million lost jobs to three years of a Bush presidency, pointing out that : “We may have lost 2 million but there are like, a hundred billion Americans that didn’t lose there jobs during my presidency. The liberal media just puts a negative spin on everything. I mean, everybody’s always talking about how poor people and middle-class people are suffering so much as a result of my outlandish economic policies. But nobody ever talks about how my family pulled in $130 million last year just by investing wisely in Colombian agriculture stocks or how millionaire executives are always getting off the hook in spite of committing horrible crimes against humanity. I tell you, this is the land of opportunity. If a born-loser with an acquired chemical dependency problem such as myself can be President, than you idiots should be able to find work in the mines or whatever it is that poor people do.” The President took the opportunity to formally absolve the White House of responsibility for the economic downturn. He explained that “this is happening because poor Americans are lazy. We gave all those tax returns to the rich guys so that the poor people would see how great it is to be rich. We figured that would motivate them to try harder. But they just sit there and act like poor people. It’s a problem of attitude. This isn’t a welfare state and we are not here to tell you how to live your life. Well, Ashcroft is here to tell you how to live your life. But not in a constructive, financial advice sort of way. The point is, my economy is doing just fine. If yours isn’t, it must be your fault.” In the midst of the criticism that Bush is facing for being a terrible President, the Democratic primary field got thinner this week when former Vermont Governor Howard Dean bowed out. However, rumors are swirling that Green party leader Ralph Nader is considering a third-party campaign in 2004. Political pundits and medical experts have both agreed that this confirms previously held contentions that Ralph Nader has an ass for a head. In addition, explained AMA neurological expert Dr. Alex Rothenstein, “this points almost incontrovertibly to the prospect that Ralph Nader has shit for brains.” Members of Ralph Nader’s family and his party have stepped forward to bolster this research. “It’s true,” said his mother to reporters when hearing that her son was considering another shot at the oval office. Many Americans have blamed Ralph Nader for costing the Democrats the presidential election in 2000 because it was his fault. But his strategists believe that this election will be different. According to a member of the Green Party who demanded anonymity because everybody justifiably hates the Green Party, “Ralph is operating under a very well-conceived logic. We believe that Ralph will actually draw votes away from Bush. You see, both Bush and Nader are aiming for the same demographic: blithering idiots.” Though Nader has not officially declared his candidacy yet, Terry McAullife, chairman of the Democratic Party offered Nader some advice. Delivering his insight as an accomplished political strategist, he suggested that “instead of running for the presidency, Ralph Nader should put his head down in front of the wheel of a bus.” Well, that’s something to raise your eye-brows for a while.... And remember, as always, the monkey goes where the wind blows. The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows: This is a parody piece on the Bush Administration - the quotes mirror the author’s perception of the Administration and are not actual. About the Author(s): See under Our Contributors to find out about the Author(s) of this article. |
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