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The Bush Administration The Monkey Goes Where the Wind Blows Bush Says Don't Read Books that Discredit Success In Iraq by Dave Tomar (week of 4/26/04) This week, the Bush administration continued its anti-book press tour, refuting the claims of yet another blockbuster account of the White House’s drive to war with Iraq. This time, legendary journalist Bob Woodward’s Plan of Attack asserted that Saudi Arabian ambassador Prince Bandar had a greater and more primary influence on the Iraq policy than did Secretary of State Colin Powell. Moreover, the book accused the Prince of agreeing to lower oil prices to the U.S. to effect the outcome of Bush’s reelection bid. President Bush immediately responded in a radio statement, explaining that "books are bullshit." He dismissed claims that Bandar was informed of final war plans in a meeting with the Vice President days before the Secretary of State received briefing, explaining that "all these books that are coming out right now are purely political. If we had literate people in our staff, we’d be writin’ all kinds of books too. I don’t think much of these books coming out because nobody here has the time to read them to me. Plus there are no pictures so . . .what’s the point really? But, see, let me give you an analogy about this whole thing. If you were the president and you wanted to execute the hostile take over of the second largest sum of oil reserves in the world, who would you seek advice from? I bet you’d talk to the fancy oil baron from the nation whose oil reserves control the U.S. economy instead of a vitiligo inflicted field-boy that somebody accidentally let in the house. Seriously though, we love Colin Powell. We think he’s doing a great job. Fight the power Colin." Woodward’s book has thrown fuel to a fire of contradiction’s over Bush administration policy. The revelations in his book come just over a month after the published account and subsequent public testimony of former counter-terrorism czar Richard Clarke, both of which characterized the war on terror as a misdirected policy in Bush’s hands. President Bush responded to the wave of allegations coming his way by reminding Americans that "journalism has always been the device of tyranny. People who write stuff are trying to distract us from the fight. And it’s a hard fight. But I still remember a day. . . a day of monstrous horror. A day called September the 11th. That day wants you to ignore all the inconsistencies in our story. That day demands that you stop reading books and that you start going to church. I made a promise to that day that we would never falter or stop. We’d keep on going and always continue to not stop or falter. We owe it to the millions of Americans who gave their lives on that day so that we could be free. And Bob Woodward is a prick. I think most people generally agree that Nixon was the more trustworthy of the two." While the mistakes that Bush made in the prelude to war come to greater illumination at home, the struggle in Iraq continues to experience what the administration has consistently characterized as "evidence that the enemy is getting desperate." The desperation of the enemy is most easily identified by the escalating body count of American soldiers and Iraqi civilians. Staff Sergeant Reginald Loobkrak, speaking on behalf of his beleaguered infantry unit, stationed on the outskirts of embattled Fallujah, explained enthusiastically that "we’re so glad to hear that the enemy is getting desperate. I’m not as smart as President Bush when it comes to military strategy. I mean, after all, he was in the Texas Air National Guard sort of. So I’ll just take his word for it. By attacking us more often in more sophisticated fashions with greater targeted ambitions while simultaneously inciting popular uprising against us and capturing full cities that we’ve already claimed as ours, the enemy is operating under the strain of desperation. It’s obvious to them that we know exactly what we’re doing and this is going to be over real soon. Well, we’re all happy to hear it because this Gulf War is turning out to be a lot less fun than the last one. These people really seem to want to defend their homes. But as the President says, they’re bound to get tired of this pretty soon. Anyway, we all just take comfort in knowing we’re giving our lives for the worthy cause that Bush made up." April continued its reign as the most horrific month yet in the war, suggesting a trend that is not particularly promising for the June 30th deadline for the "hand-over of power" to an Iraqi governing entity that has yet to be revealed. Though its make-up is unknown, and perhaps not even theoretically existent yet, the Bush administration remains confident that this mystery team will immediately return Iraq to "the stability it enjoyed 1400 short years ago," according to the current head of reconstruction efforts, Lt. Paul Bremer. Though the administration has been unwavering in its commitment to that deadline, there are increasingly greater obstacles in its path to that goal, which, it bears noting again, has not yet been revealed in any detail, generalization or even philosophical tangent involving the word ‘evil’. This week alone, a stalemate continues in Fallujah between U.S. forces and supporters of Shiite radical Muqtada al Sadr, the city of Najaf has fallen into hot combat over stockpiles of insurgent weapons, a car bombing in the city of Basra claimed 68 lives and a Saturday night attack on an offshore oil rig rendered yet another of Iraq’s reconstruction venues inoperative. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan explained during a Sunday afternoon conference that "this all may seem really bad but you’re missing the bigger picture. The stuff that’s going down in Iraq is so bad that nobody has even noticed how little we’ve done really to handle the job we started in Afghanistan. Thanks to these atrocities, it’s almost like that last war never even happened. It got us to thinking about how we should deal with what looks like a worsening situation in Iraq. So we decided that we just need to make an even bigger, more terrible war. We’re talking it over with the Saudis right now and there have been a lot of interesting ideas laid on the table. Suffice it to say, we hope nobody will mention it to the State Department." The White House is currently meditating over the idea of another U.N. resolution, this time providing a more internationalized effort in rebuilding an Iraq devastated by what Bush has referred to as "an as yet unidentified series of attacks from overhead that we suspect were caused by Baath Party loyalists in the opening days of the war. When we saw the destruction that was laid into Baghdad, we were both shocked and awed. We feel the world community should step in and clean up this mess." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who is rarely allowed to speak to the public anymore on account of ‘the fear he places into the hearts of children,’ gave a slightly different perspective to reporters this week, explaining that "we spent all our money blowing the place up so we need somebody else’s money to fix it." The precipitation for this request before the U.N. is unlikely to meet a warm reception, as is evidenced by an ever-weakening coalition in Iraq. Heralded as allies in the war on terror at one time, Spain, Honduras and the Dominican Republic all have announced complete troop withdrawal from the effort there. Explained Bush on behalf of these nations, "it’s much harder to fix elections in some countries so their leaders actually have to respond to public polls." Though the withdrawals will not be too damaging from a strategic point given that, according to the administration, "people from Spanish speaking countries are better suited to procreation than war anyway," the loss of support still represents the growing problem that the whole world hates America. In his unwavering position on the war, and the limited policy making role entitled to members of the international community who do commit support, President Bush lauded his own policy in a recent statement. He explained that "I think it’s a good think that the world hates us. It’s like being the coach of a football team. As the great Knute Rockne once said, ‘if you want your team to win, sometimes you have to be a hardass and murder your players. Then you’ll see how fast everybody else falls into line.’" And remember as always, the monkey goes where the wind blows. About the Author(s): **This column is a parody of current political events. See under Our Contributors to find out about the Author(s) of this article. |
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