Bush's Visit to Great Britain
by Dave Tomar

This week, President Bush took his message of peace to Great Britain, paying a diplomatic visit to America’s closest ally. He joined with embattled Prime Minister Tony Blair in thanking 8% of England’s population for supporting the War on Terror and the current efforts in Iraq. President Bush also took advantage of the opportunity to speak face to face with the British head of state, thanking him for his loyal acquiescence to the White House’s “admittedly outlandish policies.”

Before a throng of stoic supporters in the British House of Commons, Bush praised Blair for advocating the War in Iraq “even though it flies in the face reason, it has been devastating to his credibility and it’s been fairly difficult to defend our actions without resorting to lies or bullets. It’s true that this endeavor has been damaging to the Prime Minister’s popularity. But that’s only because we’re failing so miserably and causing so much destruction. It’s not because we’re wrong about the War On Terror. I think Tony Blair is a good man and an honest man. If I’m Hitler, he’s like Mussolini after a bath and a manicure.”

Bush expressed particular gratitude to the Prime Minister for “standing tall in the face of formidable opponents such as logic, Judeo-Christian ethics, economic impetus and popular sentiment. Now, when people talk about the Western devil, at least a quarter of that epithet belongs to the British government as well. In exchange for this unwavering friendship, we pledge to wait at least three or four years before selling you out for somebody who’s wealthier and more ruthless.”

Tony Blair, in return, thanked President Bush warmly for visiting England, indicating that “now I’m only the second most hated man in the country.” Bush, displaying the off-the-cuff sense of humor for which he has become so well-known, quipped “I’d hug you if I wasn’t so convinced that all British people are gay.”

As the two men exchanged compliments and lauded the overall success of the War On Terror thus far, protestors flooded the streets to voice their disagreement with American policy. While less than 1,000 people showed up to greet the president the previous day, his with Blair this past Wednesday was encountered with what Scotland Yard estimated to be roughly 100,000 demonstrators. The president spoke admiringly of the protestors, explaining that “I really respect their dedication to go out and stand up for what they believe in, even if they have no real ability to make an impact on things. It’s kind of cute actually.”

The gathered demonstrators voiced their anger over America’s dictatorial international policy and their diplomatic dominance over Great Britain, even erecting a paper-mache statue of President Bush and tearing it down with symbolic indignation. The president commented derisively on the accuracy or effectiveness of the demonstration, indicating that “the joke’s on them. I’m not made out of paper mache at all.” An anonymous White House source bolstered this claim, indicating that “the president is made mostly of plaster of paris and latex. His brain is actually a bowl of melted string cheese. It’s pretty clear that the demonstrators failed to do the proper research. Ultimately, that’s why the fascists are going to win. We do our homework.”

Bush and Blair together basked in the glow of a variety of War On Terror accomplishments, such as discrediting the United Nations as a legitimate peace-keeping force and initiating innovative notions such as the peaceful preemptive strike, the democracy bomb, the freedom shrapnel laceration and the pursuit of happiness exit wound. And as the two leaders agreed that the War On Terror was proving to be a wild success insofar as “nobody can stop us,” bombs exploded at the British consulate in Istanbul, Turkey. Within moments, it had become clear that this was another strike by the Al Queda terrorist network.

The explosion, which claimed twenty-seven lives and injured hundreds more, was attributed to an alleged sleeper cell, which British authorities described as “a cell of terrorists that probably didn’t exist until we killed all of their children and reduced their homes to smoldering rubble. Obviously, this is an act that was motivated by insanity and a reckless disregard for the rights of non-Arabs or Arabs that are submissive to imperialist demand. While it’s difficult for those of us in the civilized world to understand what would inspire such evil, suffice it to say that this is the work of individuals who have just not experienced enough violence.”

This explosion comes only a week after simultaneous bombs tore through a pair of Turkish synagogues and within a month of an attack in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. High ranking Bush officials indicated that this could be the product of Al Queda’s vow to visit terror upon Muslim states who provided support to the infidel’s war. But the president viewed the attacks as a sign that progress was being made in the war, explaining that, “before the war on terror, all these bombs were just hiding in some bunker in Jablowmi, Syria. But there’s nothing more conspicuous than an explosion when you’re searching for bombs. We’re flushing them out of their hiding spots and every time another place gets blowed up, that’s one more place we know there were bombs. So the key, obviously, is to get them to use up all of their bombs and then, well, problem solved. It’s so simple I don’t know why I keep having to explain it to everybody. I guess not everybody understands military strategy as well as I do.”

Speaking on the progress in Iraqi reconstruction, President Bush indicated that “it’s getting harder and harder to pretend that this thing is actually working so from now on, when anybody asks me about it, I’m just going to say ‘what war in Iraq?’ It’s so much easier than having to admit to everybody that I was lying about so many things.” Subsequently, when asked by a member of the British press what the U.S. military planned to do to put a stop the surging resistance effort in Iraq, the president asked, “what war in Iraq?” The press was effectively satiated.

In other war news, the defense department tested its long awaited Massive Ordinance Air Bomb in Florida. The largest non-nuclear blast ever created, it is affectionately referred to by military insiders as the Mother of All Bombs. Defense Department weapons expert Lt. Leonard Azplugh spoke of the new development during a briefing this past Saturday, indicating that “I’d like to say that it’s just a coincidence that MOAB happens to be an acronym for Mother of All Bombs but it’s not. We’re not even so excited about the destruction it will cause, which is ample. We’re mostly just thrilled about the name. I mean, Mother of All Bombs. How funny is that?”

And remember, as always, the monkey goes where the wind blows.

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